Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
