Will you blow on my dice?
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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