I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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