Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Randomize
