girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize