When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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