I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
