Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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