Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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