I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
