you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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