The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
