I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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