Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
