I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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