my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
