I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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