I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Randomize
