I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i just wanna soil my oats bro
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
