And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
