i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
