I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
