Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
