i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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