I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize