After last night, I could never be a politician.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
People With No Siblings Will Never Understand These 23 Things
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
25 Seemingly Normal Things That Give Some People Massive Anxiety
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I just jacked off to nostalgia.