I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
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