"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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