Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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