We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
