I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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