I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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