I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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