I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
