you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
