Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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