i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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