I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
