I think my vagina is haunted
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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