genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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