Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
