Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
