i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
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I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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