I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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