I skipped work to stalk him.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
