my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
