I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
she pinky promised me she was 18
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
