remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
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