so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
