My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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