the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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