There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
operation have a gay friend backfired
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
