I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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