I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
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