capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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