we're chasing vodka with high fives
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
